i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
