when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
