So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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