i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
