I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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