Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
