No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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