Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
