Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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