Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
