i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
