Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
