someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
