i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
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