im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
