so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
