im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
