Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
