don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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