You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
