Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
