I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
