i just wanna soil my oats bro
Your dad touched me again.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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