In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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