I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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