dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
