i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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