this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
