Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
