So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
