He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
