Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
