I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
