So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
