No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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