Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
