Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
