i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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