Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Found your dick twin last night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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