Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
