I think my vagina is haunted
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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