Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
