Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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