I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
