My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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