Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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