Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
