So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
