Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I am naked and annoyed.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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