WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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