thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
