Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
