Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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