Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
