Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
