Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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