She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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