have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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