I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i think my cat just said my name.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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