i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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